


Still Lost In You

by cadkitten



Category: DECAYS (Japanese Band), Dir en grey, MOON CHILD (Band), Sukekiyo (Band), THE NOVEMBERS (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Love Confessions, One Night Stands, Oral Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-18
Updated: 2015-08-18
Packaged: 2018-04-15 07:55:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4598850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Die finds himself being looked at in a certain way by his fellow vocalist. The attention brings with it memories of the past, some of which come to haunt him the instant he returns to Dir en grey.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Still Lost In You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lady_sb](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=lady_sb).



> 2000 words worth. DiexShinya (top and bottom in that order)  
> Prompt: Surely I am not the only one who noticed that the lead singer for Die's band DECAYS, looks at certain angles, uncannily like Shinya? Especially the hairstyle.  
> Specifications: Jealousy and confessions, the main pairing not in a relationship but a nice WAFFy ending.  
> \-- Sorry, I didn't get the jealousy thing in there, the setup just wasn't right and it would have detracted from their fuzzy little moment if I'd tried to force it. I really hope it's what you wanted. The prompt and whatnot could have meant a few things and I just hope I picked the proper one!  
> Beta Readers: sakura_ame  
> Song: "Tangled Up In You" by Staind

Die stretched back in his chair, his back popping in a few places and the muscles giving a good stretch as he raised his arms over his head, clasping his hands and pushing upward. Letting go, he shook his arms out and pushed himself upright, slipping out from behind the desk containing all of his equipment. Trailing through the small office, he snagged his phone off the counter, unplugging it and stepping out into the larger room where his bandmates were working. He'd claimed the somewhat secluded spot between the recording booth and the main room for himself, knowing his mind liked to sink fully into the world of his music at times and understanding that while the members of Dir en grey knew that, his newest bandmates really didn't quite yet.

He checked his phone briefly, smiling when he found a message from Kyo, asking him to call him when they were sure they had enough songs to work on a tour. He'd been asked the week before, right after a meeting with Dir en grey, if he'd want to do a small tour with Sukekiyo. The thought had put a smile on his face and he'd been entirely grateful to Kyo for bringing it up. It left him with a number of people he was intimately familiar with to do his debut and a more comfortable atmosphere than the wrecking nerves of stepping foot on stage in a whole new capacity. He tapped out a quick reply that he'd tell him the moment he knew and they had three songs fully down already, but that was hardly enough.

Pushing his phone into his pocket, he went straight to the coffee machine on the other side of the studio, shoving in his money and then selecting the highest caffeine drink in the machine. Once it dispensed it, he turned and faced the rest of the room, studying each man in turn. G sat curled up in the corner, surrounded by three basses and all of his computer equipment. His headphones were snug on his head and Die smiled in his direction when he looked up and bobbed his head. They'd gotten on really well, the other having a similar taste in beer and an appreciation for long stretches of silence, much like Die did once he got absorbed in something.

His eyes slid over to Chidony and his array of equipment. He'd proved himself cheery and completely absorbed in his craft. Even from the small time they'd worked on DECAYS together, Die found he never failed to gain a smile from the other. He'd learned quite a bit about things he hadn't even had a clue on before this - and, in turn, he'd shared his craft with Chidony via some late night discussions. Now, though, the other didn't even notice him, his hands and mind focused elsewhere as he worked over the boards in front of him.

A raised hand to his right caught his attention and he smiled as Kei waved at him, grinned, and then went right back to work on his laptop. He'd noticed their drummer had a penchant for taking note of when Die was observing and always gave him some form of acknowledgment, even if it was only the briefest of nods. He studied his friend with a certain fondness as the other plunged right back into whatever he was manipulating on the computer. Reflecting for a moment, he found himself pleased he'd met Kei years ago and that one drunken night of discussion had yielded many more to follow... and finally, this project. 

Die's feet moved finally, taking him closer to Yusuke's area, where the other was currently nearly glowering at the screen of his computer. The monitor was filled with several of their parts and he was currently editing a single piece of secret mode... editing it to death, it would seem, given Die had seen this same part up last time he'd stretched his legs. Leaning over he lightly lifted one ear of Yusuke's earphones and murmured, "Time to take a break, man... come on."

Yusuke pushed his earphones off and gave an annoyed huff. "I can't get it right, it's pissing me off." He pushed his chair to the side and waited on Die to step back before standing. 

After a quick trip to the vending machine as well, both Yusuke and Die headed to the exit, stepping out into the back patio area. Die leaned against the wall and Yusuke stood - somewhat awkwardly - in front of him, lightly shaking his can of coffee. 

Die popped the top on his own and took a long swig from it before leaning over to place it on the ground. "What's going on with it?"

"I..." Yusuke stopped and then shook his head, "I'll figure it out, thanks for being willing to help, but-"

"Hey..." Die stopped him, his brow knitting slightly, "you don't have to do this yourself entirely, you know. This isn't like... well..." he pulled a little face and tilted his head in an attempt to indicate what he meant. 

Yusuke nodded a little and let his shoulders drop. "I know, I just..." he trailed off.

"You're stubborn. Like a horse's ass." He grinned when the other looked at him in shock. "It's only true." He lifted his arms and stretched again, his hips pushing out with the action, his shirt riding up and baring a good few inches of his abdomen. He watched Yusuke's reaction, something that had been intriguing him for days. The younger man swallowed hard and didn't even try to hide the fact that he was drinking in every single bit of Die's exposed skin. 

Die eased himself back against the wall and pulled up his shirt, fanning himself a bit. "It's hot..."

"Yeah," Yusuke managed to get out, his voice tight in his throat.

Amusement danced in Die's eyes as he let go of his shirt. Just how far he was willing to take this, he didn't know. But some part of him saw the same things in Yusuke he'd seen in Shinya when they'd first met one another. Of course, the younger's build and his hair... and the fact that he was younger than Die all helped him to see through such perverse glasses as these. Not that the fact that he knew it was perverse was going to stop him in the least. No... the reactions were far too ego-boosting to stop. And, honestly, while everyone thought of Die as having a huge ego to start with, he really didn't. So much tore him down on a constant basis that whenever he did find something that brought it up for a bit, he'd latch on like a leech and not want to let go until he'd exhausted the source completely.

Looking away, he reached to pick up his drink again, taking a few calculated sips as a few memories clouded his good mood. He'd done that to Shinya, hadn't he? Latched on to the other's slight fascination with him and drained it dry in a matter of months. Of course, back then, he'd been young and foolish. Teasing when he could have been seducing. Bluntly groping when he should have been respecting boundaries and trying to earn his touches the proper way. He'd embarrassed the other away from him and it had all turned ugly one night when he'd drunkenly pushed a bit too far. Backing Shinya into a corner without warning had earned him an aching gut and a broken emotional chalice for a while. 

But he'd apologized and he'd made it up to Shinya in every way he could. For one, he never drank that much and got near anyone ever again. And for another, he hadn't ever put an unwelcome hand on anyone again in his life. He'd done his best to drop his infatuation with the other, though even now it lingered, this undertone to everything that they had ever done. Though, he was never sure if it was because he hadn't forgiven himself for the things he'd done or if he was simply that attracted to the other as a whole that it wouldn't even really stop being a thing.

Yusuke cleared his throat and Die snapped his attention back to him, shaking his head. "Sorry, lost in my own head again... what?"

The vocalist shrugged a little and huffed out a laugh. "I asked if... ah," he reached to push his hand through his blonde hair, gazing at a spot somewhere on the wall to Die's left. "If... you'd like to grab a drink after we're done.... or not."

The insecurity of the other captured Die's heart in an instant and he broke into a broad grin. "Of course I would! When are you planning on leaving?"

"Ah... whenever you want to I guess." Yusuke pushed one hand into the pocket of his tight, white jeans, the other still clutching the coffee can, maybe a bit harder than necessary. 

Die tilted his head and then nodded. "A couple hours then." He pushed away from the wall and moved toward the door, the other darting around him to open it and hold it for him. A slightly embarrassed flush crept up his neck at being treated like this by a bandmate. Maybe... he was going down a dangerous path. But the truth was, he couldn't really veer himself off track, either. The younger obviously wanted him and hell if he'd ever turned down a good lay. Even he and Toshiya had had a one time thing years and years ago. 

The rest of the day Die spent alternately working and drifting around in his own mind, wondering just how he was going to weather this all in the end. Normally, he didn't think too hard on things. But this time it would be a bit different. A new band, admitting he wasn't just into women nearly right off the bat, only a few months in. Not that he really hid that he liked men, too. But it just didn't tend to come up in daily conversation and he never saw the point in announcing it like some people did. But the inevitability of having to discuss it at some point after bedding one of your bandmates... well that was a given. 

At long last, a knock sounded on the door and he saved what he'd been working on, getting up and going to open it, finding Yusuke nervously standing on the other side. He leaned against the doorframe and gave the other his best sultry look, all but purring out, "Ready then?" He figured it would either work like a charm or send the other running for his life if - somehow - this hadn't been his intent.

Yusuke stared at Die for a moment, his cheeks painting themselves the lightest shade of pink as blood rushed toward them. Their eyes met and Die knew instantly he hadn't been wrong at all. 

Stepping out, he closed the door and fished his keys from his pocket. They trailed through the studio, waving to Chidony, who was still diligently working. The others had gone and Die found himself pleased they weren't so absorbed they couldn't leave. They walked down the hall and out the front doors, making their way down the street to the parking garage Die had put his car in that morning. He rarely drove, but found himself pleased that he had today. Traffic was low enough this time at night that it would be much faster than any other method of transport.

Unlocking his car, he gestured the other in and then slid behind the wheel. The engine roared to life under his hands and he buckled up after turning down the radio and lowered the back windows a few inches as he turned on the air. Once Yusuke was buckled up, Die pulled out and headed toward the exit of the garage. As soon as they were on the road, he cleared his throat. "I'm just going to get to the point and if I'm wrong, you'll have to forgive me here. I don't see the point in beating around the proverbial bush though." He turned left and merged into the meager traffic. "I've noticed the way you've been looking at me... and I'm sure you've noticed how I've been playing back to it. I can only assume the invitation to drinks has an undertone?"

Yusuke shrank in his seat a bit, his arms sliding to clutch his bag closer to him as he looked anywhere but at Die. "Die... please forgive me. I... I do feel things a bit less pure than I should and I will work to sto-"

Die cleared his throat and waited on the onslaught of words to stop before offering, "I'm into guys, dude... and I'm not gonna lie, I'm interested. Stop panicking and just be honest with me and maybe... we'll skip the drinks and move forward, hmm?" He could nearly feel Yusuke's eyes on him, the look probably more owlish than he would have liked. Far too reminiscent of a certain drummer when he'd first met him.

"Then... yes. There was more to the invite than drinks."

Die smiled out the windshield, taking another turn, already on the route toward his home, though he knew at least four bars between here and there if he needed them. "Are you interested in the fast lane to the end result or the slow one?"

He could almost hear the unspoken admission of 'whichever one gets me laid' in the way Yusuke's breath hitched and how his body relaxed in the seat next to him. But he waited, patient as ever, until Yusuke barely breathed out, "Fast lane... maybe?"

"My place it is," Die offered by way of answer. The slow burn of the promise of a good night of sex settled in his loins and the rest of the ride was punctuated by heated glances and near silence.

Once they arrived at Die's townhouse, they exited the vehicle and entered his home in nearly record time. Bags were hung, shoes were removed, and the requisite offer of a drink was offered and accepted. Die made it easy by only offering a coke or beer, not bothering with offering things that wasted time being fixed. And once two beers had been retrieved, he found himself leaning one hip against his kitchen counter, watching Yusuke pack away the beer like he required it for courage.

Die found himself wondering how someone else would be dealing with this situation and he recalled a story Kyo had once told him about the most nervous girl he'd ever slept with. How because she'd been younger than him by quite a bit, though still in her late twenties, she'd been nervous of failing him with his vast world of experience, as she'd put it later. And him simply taking charge after bluntly asking if it was okay had knocked her socks off... or so he'd said.

He took a swig of his beer before setting it aside and leaning a bit closer to Yusuke. "Mind if I ask a really direct question?"

"Go for it," Yusuke murmured, his eyes meeting Die's over the rim of his glass as he took another good drink.

"How do you envision this going?" It was the easiest way to make sure they didn't spend twenty minutes trying to figure out who was doing what to whom. And he'd found the dance was never-ending if he accidentally ended up in bed with someone as versatile as himself without knowing. Hours of indecision until someone finally decided they were done waiting. Or worse, the one time he'd found himself in bed with someone who was definitely not into actually fucking or being fucked and he'd found himself trying to push all the wrong buttons. No point in fouling this one up, right?

Yusuke stared at him and then put his glass down, laughing quietly. "It... matters?"

Die blinked at him a bit dumbly for a second and then gave him a confused look. "Of course it does. Boundaries have to be respected... and I'm sure you have some, somewhere, right?"

A bit of confidence seemed to inflate the other as he met Die's gaze head-on. "I'd like to suck your dick and... if it's your thing, I'd like to be fucked."

Die grinned at him. "More like it. Finish your beer." He stepped closer then, sliding his hands down Yusuke's sides and resting them on his waist. "Do you like receiving... in other ways?"

Yusuke just nodded at him, his beer clutched in his hand, but not moving. 

Sliding down to his knees, Die unbuttoned the three buttons holding together Yusuke's fly and then pulled down his briefs, long fingers dipping in to free his cock from the confines of his pants, finding him already nearly fully hard. He stroked him for a moment, earning himself a few breathy sounds. The instant his lips were around Yusuke's cock, there came a thunk of the beer glass on the countertop and then a loud moan as he started to bob his head. 

"Die, I... ah!"

Die's fingers held onto Yusuke's hips as he bobbed his head diligently, slurping and lapping at his cock with every ounce of gusto he had for the task. His own cock rapidly swelled in his pants, tenting out the front until he finally moved one hand down to lower his zipper and open his belt and button, leaving himself covered by only his boxer briefs. Rubbing at his arching length, he continued to suck, finally pulling up and flicking his tongue over the head of his new found lover's prick. The taste of pre-cum came to him and he went back to bobbing his head, getting even more of it as Yusuke's hand came to rest in his hair, just holding. He watched the younger's face contort in utter pleasure, feeling his body shift beneath his efforts until, finally, he was being pushed back. 

"Not... not yet," Yusuke managed. 

Their eyes met again and Die stared up at him, smirking as he wet his lips and swallowed. "Come on, gorgeous." He stood and headed up the stairs to his bedroom, retrieving lube and a condom from his dresser. Tossing them on the bed, he stripped off his shirt and reached for his pants. But another set of hands beat him to it, slowly relieving him of his pants and then coming around to hold his cock through the material of his boxer briefs, teasing and stroking as kisses rained down over his shoulder and up his neck. Arousal surged hard through Die and he moaned as the hand finally dipped inside his undergarments, grasping him tightly and stroking him off hard and quick. His hips jerked repeatedly into the helping hand until it retreated and his boxer briefs were pushed down as well. He stepped out of his clothing and turned to do the same for Yusuke, finding him already devoid of clothing.

Grinning, he shifted to pull him into his arms and then ease them both back onto the bed. Yusuke shuffled his way backwards up the bed and Die followed, easing between his legs. He kissed over his chest and then took a nipple in his mouth, sucking lightly before popping off of it and murmuring, "If you suck me, I'll lose it like that. You're so eager... it's been a while since someone wanted me this bad." He kissed under his jaw, his hands busy with the condom and lube while he distracted him with his mouth. "First we fuck... then later you can suck to your heart's content... how does that sound?" He slid two slick fingers over the younger's passage, teasing and then slowly pushing in.

Yusuke's body accepted Die's fingers easily and he nodded, one hand going to tangle in Die's hair, the other grasping at the comforter. "Y-yes." His hips bucked and he whined as Die pulled his fingers free. 

"Shh... you'll be filled again soon, I promise." Die captured his lips and shifted to position himself appropriately. Pushing slowly, he sank into his lover's body, the heat engulfing him fully. With a soft sigh, he began to move, just feeling the pull of the other's body around him for the first few minutes. 

As they slowly ramped upward, Yusuke's hands found their way nearly everywhere, touching and squeezing, his nails raking lightly and at one point, he managed to contort himself enough to get his hand between them and finger Die's ass as the older bucked into him.

Die groaned as the fingers slid over his more sensitive areas, thrusting quicker into his lover. He shifted his position, leaning on one arm as he reached between them, taking the weight of Yusuke's cock in hand and stroking as he went after his neck, making sure not to leave any marks behind. 

Yusuke let out a little whimper and whispered out, "I want your lips on me again."

Die pulled out and sank down, taking his lover in his mouth and giving it a few lengthy sucks. As he drew up the last time, Yusuke cried out, his fist clenching in Die's hair as his hips strained upward. Cum hit his tongue and Die swallowed the first bit, sliding back up and thrusting into him in time to feel him still spasming around his cock as he began to thrust again. This time, he kept both hands firmly planted on the bed, his legs spread a bit more, and he pounded into him for all he was worth, ramping hard toward his own orgasm. 

Soon enough, he let out a loud moan, jerking his hips forward twice more and then pulling out, his cock twitching as he filled the condom with his release. He knew he didn't have to do it with guys, but he'd always just found it easier to keep himself consistent. He licked at one of Yusuke's nipples as he reached down to jack himself off a couple of times, moaning as he did so, only able to stand a few seconds of his own touch each time. His fingers caressed his balls and then came back up to relieve him of the latex sheath, sliding it off and tossing it into the bedside trashcan. 

Rolling onto his side, he grinned at the other, reaching with his clean hand to push some of Yusuke's hair back from his damp forehead. "Everything you wanted it to be?"

Yusuke's smile was all he needed to see.

\---------------------

Things had gone amazingly well the rest of the night with Yusuke and, for once in his life, Die had felt like he was a twenty something that didn't know the world once again. They'd had their fun until they'd finally exhausted themselves just before the sun came up. Morning had found Die in bed alone, something he'd expected, and a note on his table. That part he hadn't expected. Yusuke had thanked him for the night and explained he had found inspiration shortly after four am and had gone to the studio. 

Later, curiosity eating at him, he'd checked the entry log and found Yusuke's files saved somewhere around five and again around seven. The piece he'd been working on had finally sorted itself out and Die found himself undeniably pleased that - in a way - their roll in the hay had been the cause. 

A week later, he found himself sitting around a table with the members of Dir en grey. He and Kyo had finally set dates for Sukekiyo and DECAYS to perform and Dir en grey were now meeting to set dates for overseas. That part had been relatively easy, management proposing a short tour rather than the lengthy month stint they usually did, and basically told them they had to hit up the biggest selling cities. It had just been venue discussions and that was about it for them.

Management had left, as had Toshiya and Kyo, both having places to be. Now Kaoru, Shinya, and Die sat closer to one another, their discussion flitting between interview answers and random other shit. Shinya spoke briefly of how it had been to start modeling and Kaoru had seemed perhaps more interested than Die would have thought him to be in it. 

Hours slipped by and Die found himself watching Shinya for longer and longer periods of time. The emotions he'd long tried to suppress only surged repeatedly as he thought about them and finally, he just had to admit to himself he'd never really gotten over the man in front of him. Stupid... maybe more than a little pathetic... but true. And at least now he was stable enough to admit it, he supposed.

Eventually, they all started to pick up their stuff to leave, Kaoru slipping out relatively quickly, Shinya seeming to spend forever packing his bag. Die gathered his things and headed for the door. But just as he reached it, Shinya's quiet voice cut through the air.

"Close it. I'd like to speak with you privately for a moment if that's okay." It was phrased as a question, but held no inflection to give Die any wiggle room.

Pushing the door closed, Die turned and gave Shinya a curious look. "Yeah, sure... what's up?" He came to put both hands on the back of the chair across the table from the drummer, leaning heavily on it and lifting one foot to lightly tap the toe of his boot on the carpeted floor.

Shinya closed his bag, but left it lying on the table as he straightened up and regarded Die across the room. "If you've got something to say to me... just do it. All the staring was enough that Toshiya texted me after he left to make some smartass remark about how you obviously wanted to fuck me senseless."

Cold rushed through Die's body, followed quickly by heat of a degree he'd not dealt with in a long while. His eyes widened and his lips parted as he shook his head the slightest. "I..." his eyes closed and then he sighed. "Look, I'm sorry." Opening his eyes, he pushed himself back from the chair and straightened his bag across his chest. "I have no good excuse and I'm sure you don't want an excuse anyway. I'm sorry Toshiya decided to be a dickbag about it; I'll talk to him... again." He pinched the bridge of his nose briefly and quietly tacked on, "It won't happen again... on my part. I'm sorry, truly." Turning to leave, Die pursed his lips, trying to school his face into something that didn't betray his utter discomfort at having been discovered.

"I didn't say we're done," Shinya breathed out, his voice barely above a whisper, though it held all the power of a screaming demand with how it rooted Die to the spot, his hand on the doorknob and his back to the other. "I get to have a say here, too. And I want a discussion. Not some hasty apology and you bolting off for god only knows what reason."

Die's shoulders slumped a little and he let go of the doorknob, turning back, keeping his face as passive as he could as he leaned against the wall and crossed his arms, waiting.

"Defensive... nice." Shinya stared at him in silence for a few seconds and then sighed. "We've been through this before... and I admit, it's been years. But I recognize the way you've been staring at me all evening. And I recognize your defensiveness and your desire to flee the situation. You've changed a hell of a lot in all these years, but you haven't changed for shit in this regard, Andou."

Die didn't even try to defend himself. No words left his lips and he just kept steadily watching a point close enough to Shinya's head that the other could think he was looking at him if he didn't focus too much. If he looked at him, he'd be done for, and he knew it. He shifted slightly, trying to look less like a stoved up asshole.

"Why.... why now? All these years, you just backed off and stopped everything. You didn't so much as look at me the same way after... well, you know after what." Shinya shrugged somewhat helplessly as he just kept talking. "And now you're back to looking at me like I'm everything you've ever wanted. What the hell changed?"

Die moved from foot to foot, resting heavily on the right and he took up staring at the floor instead, shame written all over his face. He hadn't wanted to be ashamed of what he'd done with Yusuke... he'd never set out like that. But now that he was so closely being confronted about it - well not completely, but enough - he found that he was probably guilty of what he'd feared he would be. After all... hadn't he made him think of Shinya? His mannerisms, his looks... and then he'd gone and bedded him anyway. And he knew it was written all over him what he'd done. He'd always been a horribly open book no matter how much he tried to hide, and this was probably no exception.

"Aren't you going to say anything at all? Or just leave me drawing my own conclusions over here?"

Die moved back to the chair, holding onto the back of it again and closing his eyes for a moment. When he opened them, he looked directly at Shinya for the first time since they'd been on this topic, and looked him right in the eyes. "I'm not going to come to my own defense here, Shin... I can't. I haven't lied to you in all these years and I'm not about to start just to cover my own sorry ass, either." He shrugged a little. "I fucked up so hard back then and I have nothing but regrets for that. I've lived every day of my life doing my best to never repeat those mistakes. But that doesn't change that I threw any slim-ass chance I may - or may not - have had in the toilet right along with my asshole actions. I'm not stupid." He gripped the chair a bit harder and looked down at the table. "Even with all of that... I guess I never completely turned the switch off... and some things I've done recently have brought back everything to the forefront again. I'm not going to repeat the past and I'm not going to say a word about this ever again. I'll catch myself and... god, Shinya, I don't want lose you as a friend again. I could barely live with myself over what I did and if I thought that I was making you uncomfortable again..." he trailed off and shook his head. "I was scum and I know it. But I've hoped every day since then that someone can redeem themselves from their sins, you know?"

Shinya's hand came to lightly rest on Die's shoulder and when he looked to the side, the other was standing there instead of across the room. They regarded one another for a moment before Shinya simply drew Die into his arms, holding him there even as Die failed to respond to it. "You're too hard on yourself. You drunkenly tried to kiss me one time, Die..."

"Twice," Die barely croaked out.

"Once I let you and once I didn't... I'm not talking about the former." Shinya let him go, though he remained right up in Die's space. "You act like you tried to do far more than that. And I'll grant you, maybe the aim of the kiss was that... I wouldn't know. But even if it was you backed off when I shoved you away. And you've spent every ounce of your life trying to never do it again. I've watched you with people over the years and you won't even put yourself in that situation anymore. You don't drink that much around anyone and you don't ever go forward without words of consent to basically anything of a hand on a shoulder. It's... astounding, really. I don't even go that far. No normal person does, Die... only you."

Shinya shook his head and rested one hand on the table, leaning on it. "I don't even know how to deal with this except to be brutally honest. I didn't want your drunk ass all over me that night. It had nothing to do with _you_ and everything to do with how much alcohol you'd had. If it had been like the other time... when I let you... I'd have let it go wherever it went. But you took my words and my actions to mean back off forever rather than back off now."

Die stared at Shinya like he'd just been punched in the gut, the agony on his face so raw and open he may as well have been rolling on the floor clutching himself in pain. "You... I..." he just bowed his head and closed his eyes, not saying a thing other than that.

The drummer watched him with some amount of amazement, his own brow furrowed with concern. "Die... _talk_ to me. Please."

Die pulled out the chair next to him and plopped his ass in it, shoving his face in his hands and his elbows on his knees. For a minute, he just sat there and then, finally, lifted his head to look at Shinya. "It's never stopped, Shin... I was foolish and just a damn kid with my head stuck up my ass back then. But I wanted you... and I'm not going to make it cheap by saying it was only a fuck I wanted either... because it wasn't. It... isn't." He looked away, staring into the far corner and shaking his head again, just the slightest of motions. "I wanted to know you in every way... to have you by my side and to see that smile every time I looked over and know it was directed at me. And then I got too drunk and too stupid and I messed up the only chance I'd ever have. It killed me... for a long time." He swallowed thickly, drawing in a breath and looking back at him. "I thought I'd pushed it down enough to not ever have to have this discussion with you. That I'd not ever make you uncomfortable with me again. But I was wrong."

Shinya drew out the chair in front of Die and settled in it, their knees nearly touching. He reached to put one hand on Die's jean-clad leg and squeezed it lightly. "There is one thing you're wrong about, but it's not that. You keep saying you only had one chance... but that's not true." 

Their eyes met again and Die's breath hitched for a moment. "I... but how?"

"Because you're an amazing person. You're bright and compassionate. And if I'm honest here, I think in a lot of ways that mistake shaped you into the wonderful man you are today. But right along with it, it made you really self-sacrificing and... blind as a damn bat when it comes to me. Die, I tried once, a few years ago to make you see me again. I wasn't in a great place and every time I turned around, you were there to help me. But it was always so... passive. Like you were keeping your distance while not doing so at all and at the time, I couldn't figure out why. Now, it's obvious... you were trying to preserve yourself while you helped me. And I can't blame you for it. But damn it, Die!" Shinya reached up to cover Die's hand with his own. "I'm right here." The last words were quiet and tinged with the smallest drops of desperation.

Die stared at him for a few moments before he leaned forward, tilting his head slightly and then pausing. "May I?" he barely breathed out. 

Shinya's fingers twined with his own as the drummer pushed himself forward in the chair, bringing their lips together. It was achingly gentle, nothing lustful about their kiss in the least. Even as their lips moved against one another, it was but the softest dance of two people, scared to fall and yet ready to break at any second. 

When they parted, neither moved far, only a few inches to provide breathing room and a moment to think. It was Die who finally broke the silence. "Then... is this my second chance?"

Shinya huffed out a tiny laugh, leaning in to kiss Die harder this time, only a few seconds worth before he pulled back and nodded. "Yeah... yeah it is."

**The End**


End file.
